Perfect

A long while. I've been up and I've been down. Mostly down, but not with my weight. I've gained several kilos from the last time I posted here and it feels as well as shows. I'm desperately trying to shread them but with no luck. I was supposed to be in my goal weight by the summer (in which we live atm) but it turned out that I'm at my highest weight in ages.

I've totally lost my "ana-ways" (I don't even want to say that, so ridiculous it sound, and more importantly, STUPID) and swop to bulimia. Yay and hooray for bulimia. I binge and purge several times a week and I think my heart is about to give in. But let's not give little things like that to upset us, nooo.

My depression is getting...severe-r? And I've developed a panic disorder, yay for that as well.

I'm sick and tired of everything, just today got a sick leave from work. I get panic attacks several times a week and things are definitely not looking up. Wonder the last time that they really were.

But I'm alive? That's something, right?

I've been avoiding writing here since I have nothing new to tell you. My weight isn't the same, the numbers have only gone up. Which makes me hate myself. I'm unable to control myself when it comes  to eating. In the back of my mind I'm sreaming to myself not to eat but somehow it all gets lost when I start to eat. To tell you the truth, I've gained over 2kg's just in several days. And it kills me.

I've binged and purged. Yes purged, although I promised myself never to do it. I let myself and everyone else down. And I hate myself for that. Even my boyfriend noticed it and I couldn't do anything but cry. i need help but no one seems to take me seriously, not even my doctor. This cycle has devoured me and I don't know wheter to love or hate it.

This life is wearing me down and I'm pushing forward with my last strength. I don't know what I want anymore.

I want that my boyfriend would give up on me and I could finally let go..of everything.

Now I'm on my sick leave. Everyone else starts their interships tomorrow and I'm at home doing nothing. I feel guilty, but still don't. I'm desperately trying to find a job though I'm not sure if I'm able to remain sane there either. I don't know what I should do, 'cause now I'm thinking about applying for sickness benefit! Although I'm not sure if I'd be able to apply for it.

My cuts aren't healed quite yet. I want to hurt myself more.

On Saturday I made up my mind about some ground rules I should follow. I won't reveal them here, but I'll let you know that they have something (=a lot) to do with eating. I broke most of the rules yesterday..and today as well, but I won't let it put me off! I need to be 50kg or under by June. I need it and more importantly want it like never before.

It's sad to read old entries of my (paper) journal. Last year I weighed near 60kg and I could've killed to get below 53. Now I'm there and want more. How depressing is that?

Yesterday I contacted my doctor about my sick leave. Well, she said that she would prescribe it but only for a week (next week we have scheduled appointment and MAYBE she'd prescribe more..or not?). She asked what I'd do on my sick leave: was I just going to stay at home doing nothing? I thought you didn't have to do anything on your sick leave, just to be sick, but guess I was wrong? She also tried to convince that I should go to my internship - although I have decided not to go. Believe me, it was the hardest choice of my life, but I see no point in it since I feel I'm not strong enough. 

I feel like she treated me like crap. Treats.

Anxiety attacks hit me yesterday as well and I was not able to go to school. Great.

Today I managed to come to school (I'm on a lecture atm) but it wasn't easy. I guess I've developed some kind of a panic disorder which just makes my life like happyhappyjoyjoy. As if I didn't have enough problems already. To cope with my anxiety I've started to smoke cigarettes. As I did today on my way to school. Though I know that my grandma had a lung cancer..and died. Do I have a deathwish or something?

I feel like death is near. Emotionally at least.

I had the worst anxiety attack in ages. I just binged and binged and almost ended up with my head in a toilet. I tried to purge but luckily stopped myself in time.

I couldn't believe that going to school would be that bad. I have so many things undone and I'm going crazy. I want to keep things organized but it's an impossibility in our school. I'm still waiting one of teachers to reply to my e-mail that I sent yesterday. And yes, my arrant is urgent!

My doctor was unavailable today which just increased my distress. I'll have to try to catch her up tomorrow, although she said that she won't be prescribing sick leave for me. She wants me to take care of things myself. Although just before that she said that I'm suffering from a difficult depression depressio mentis gravis and it's no wonder I'm not able to finish the things I've started etc. Stupid bitch.

I'm scared that things won't work out.

I've been dwelling in sadness and misery for the whole weekend. For the past week, come to think of it. School seems unnecessary and the people there (the teachers at least) are ignorant and brainless although highly educated (yeah right). I don't respect them and I cannot believe that they are being serious @ being teachers.

I'm really thinking about giving up school, this school. Not school in general, since I'm applying for various places this spring, but for now. My internship starts in week's time and they haven't found me a place yet. I HAD a place but it got swopped for something else and now I'm a complete nervous wreck BECAUSE I LIKE TO KEEP THINGS ORGANISED! It shouldn't be so hard to stick with schedules and plans!? I guess it is for our dimwit teachers.

So i've applied for all kinds of jobs in order to get one by March. I still intend to complete all the unfinished courses and get  the "study points" so the government won't inherit my study grants back.

My life is fucked up already as it is and now school is making things worse. Thank you school, thank you for NOT educating me and making me a complete mess.

I've cried today for several hours..for several reasons. And I cut myself. For several not-so-good reasons. Stupid me.

PS. You can only guess how much I've been eaten lately and how much heavier I've become!

This weekend sucked. Why do I always eat like a pig when I visit home? I ate all the time and way too much and I didn't even TRY to stop myself. I feel like a moron. Which I am.

Today I've had two cups of coffee and several glasses of water. I'm so hungry but I don't have the courage to eat even a little because I'll only end up binging. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating like never before but I refuse to eat.

I'm running in and out of bathroom all the time.

I'm wering weights around my ankles.

I'm hating myself more and more by each moment.

FUCK FUCK F-U-C-K!

I really tried not-to-eat-that-much today but, you guessed it, my cravings upset my  applecart! As soon as I came home I started eating sweets and chocolate. Just now I ate some toast and I cannot stop myself! All I want is more more more food to stuff in me and I'm starting to feel sick. Yesterday was such a lousy day already and I have to go and ruin this day as well! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Anyway, tonight I'm going out with my friends. In all probability, alcohol will have something to do with it. Hopefully, a lot of alcohol. Though I know that I'm going to hate myself after that 'cause of all the calories.

I haven't used our elevator in three days. Instead I've used the stairs (we live in the fifth floor) but I guess that tonight I'll have to settle for the elevator, assuming I even get home in one piece.

Happy evening to me! It cannot get any worse?

Yesterday I smoked a cigarette. Haven't done that in 4 years. I have no reasonable explanation to this kind of behaviour. I haven't told anything to my boyfriend, 'cause I know he'd hate me for that. I'm such a sucky girlfriend. Though I'm trying to make it up by baking a chocolate cake. I know I'll be eating that as well and perhaps it's some kind of a punishment 4 me.

Yesterday scale was 50,6. I need to get lower. I need to get to 50. Beautiful 50.

i'm considering to go drinking tomorrow. I haven't drank any alcohol in...in... well, several months. All my friends are going too but my boyfriend doesn't want me to go. I cannot understand why. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong when he's not around! However I cannot stop thinkin about all the calories in booze. I guess I just won't eat tomorrow! ..which is probably the worst idea ever.

Now I'm eating some kind of garlic baguette. And feeling like such a pig.

PS. I cannot that Heath Ledger is dead. It was the first thing I heard in the morning and it upset me.. I even don't know why. Even more upsetting was that no one had heard it @ school and no one seemed to know who Heath Ledger is! WTF?!

There's something wrong with my heart. It's beating like never before. I can feel it everywhere, in my throat, in my stomach, even in my limbs. It came suddenly, totally unexpected. Perhaps my body cannot intake that much food I just ate.

This is one of the worst days ever. I've been on the verge of crying all day long. Not to mention I've been a total jackass to my boyfriend..like always. I'm hating myself for that. But to make things worse I just ate like a horse. I ate so much food just because 1) I wanted to eat it, 2) Friday is the only day I'm allowed to eat what I want. Okay, I eat tons of shitty food every day but this is supposed to be the day when I don't have to worry about my eatings or have a guilty conscience. But no. It's an impossibility. I cannot eat ANYTHING without feeling like a loser. Every day is a failure. I try my best but I still can't please myself. This is eating me like never before. But I know, by staying tough, I'll be able to reach my goal by summer. For the first time in ages, I know it.

I weighed myself in the morning and finally I've reached the better side of 51kg. Scale told me that I was 50,9. It's not much, but it's something. I know that I've made such a huge progress and this day probably ruined it for a while. But I won't give up, this won't discourage me. I have four months 'til summer. I have loads of time to shed those extra kilos, right?

I'm trying to stay as optimistic as I can, 'cause atm throwing up doesn't seem such a bad idea.

I've been sick for the last 5 days and I just get heavier and heavier by each day. I've tried to keep everything as usual (eatingwise at least) but it's been so hard 'cause I know that if I don't eat, I won't get well. So I have been eating. A lot. Too much. Oh my god, Friday was the worst of the worst. I decided to let myself eat as much as I wanted. I ate cookies, candy, pizza, peanuts and a lot more which I luckily cannot remember atm. I convinced myself that it was okay, since I don't drink and party every week (unlike other students) and get extra calories from booze. Unfortunately I didn't convincing enough. Saturday I felt like I wanted to die and suprisingly got through the day quite fine. But bhlerg, I still feel disgusted.

Today I've only eaten one plum and some orange juice. I'm horrified by the time that my boyfriend comes home, cause he wants to eat fried potatoes, meatballs and fried eggs. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE FRIED?! I guess I'll just settle with rye bread and tomato..(well see).

Anxiety has become my best friend nowadays. Every little thing pushes me on the edge and I'm nervous all the time. About what? About every fucking single thing. And I cannot help it.  The feeling just overcomes me and... I feel like this is not worth it.

Evenings are the worst time for me. At daytime I get on fine with my eatings and cope with the hunger, but when the evening comes I get all reckless. It seems like I have no control over myself. The worst part of this is, that some part of me knows that I really haven't eaten that much but the other half sees it differently. It's even harder now 'cause I'm sick. Yes, I caught a cold day before yesterday and now I'm feeling even crappier than before. I've managed with as little amount of food as possible, but at the same time, I know I should be eating in order to get healthy again.  Too contradictory I guess.

I'm so sick at being sick. I'm sick at least 5 times a year and it's really getting to me. But I've always been like this, sick almost all the time. It's like the nature has something against me and tries its best to kill me. Though love!

I hate myself. Within an hour I've eaten 2 breads, chocolates, candy and other things I cannot even mention. I'm a pig. No doubt about it.

I hate school. I really do. It just screwes up my eating rythm alltogether. I don't usually eat at mornings, but now it seems that I have to if I want to survive to school without fainting. So, ok, I have a banana or other fruit at 8am, then it's lunch at 12pm which I cannot skip without raising suspisions about me being eating disordered. It's horrible to eat when you're not even hungry! Today I tried to eat mainly salad but of course I couldn't resist the freshly baked bread and ate two slices of it :< I come home at 4pm or so and then I'd have to eat with my boyfriend! I am not used to eat at this rate! I'm going to expand like a balloon. Yes, I could fast after school but I know that I won't be able to do it. Nowadays I'm just too weak.

Now I'm just trying to fill my stomach with Coke light. And stay busy with schoolwork. AND NOT GO NEAR THE KITCHEN!

We have two chocolate boxes and tons of chocolate bars in our "candy drawer". Help :\

Today will be a shitty day. I can feel it in my bones. Seriously.

I woke up at 8am BUT I didn't get out of bed, 'cause it was "too early" to wake up..especially on holiday. Well, of course I fell asleep again and woke up after 10. I was soooo tired and nauseous and regretted not getting up at 8. Stupid me.

I've had a glass of orange juice and that's it. My boiyfriend is eating candy and I'm hating this situation. It's not that I want candy but I still want it. Actually I want to eat fruits but we don't have any. Except apples but I'm sick of them. The nearest shop is just right aroung the corner but I'm too lazy to get dressed and go out. So what am I complaining about?

I guess I could go. I would get some fresh air and at least I would have accomplished something today :'D

I'm too tired to do any school work.

Today I won't weigh myself anymore.. or maybe once..but that's it. I'm estranging myself form the scale.

Somehow I seem to think that now that I have a scale my weight will drop like never before. I weigh myself at least five times a day though I know that my weight isn't going anywhere. I mean that I won't get any fatter or thinner within just a one day. I know it but somehow I seem not to understand it. And it doesn't help that the scale is placed in the middle of the living room. Today I took it to the guest room/study. Perhaps now I'll be able to avoid it..come to think of it, I reckon that I was better off without a scale. In the summer I weighed myself several times a day and my weigh seemed not to drop at all. However this fall I haven't had access to scale and my weight is now lower than in years. So scale equals bad?

I haven't eaten much anything today..yet. Don't even ask me about yesterday, I even baked a chocolate cake!! Why? Dunno, guess I like to torture myself!

On the other day I realized that our coke bottles had the gda-markings. And now I love light sodas. I've always know that sodas have a lot of sugar but I didn't have a clue that the amount was as large as it was. 250ml which is approximately a one glass of soda has about 30% of your daily intake of sugar. I want to trash all the coke bottles in our flat but I think my boyfriend would kill me after that. Well, I let him ruin his teeth..and health. That's how much I love him :'D

I have a really sick and twisted view about beauty. Beautiful girls/women to be accurate. I'm judgemental  to myself as well as others. Although I don't say it out loud. I know that my eyes see the world differently than everyone else. I know that this is all in my head, and I'm the one who can and should change it. But I won't. I don't want to. Yet. Ever?

Before Christmas I reached my lowest weight in ages. December 20th I weighed 51,8 kg which is somewhat 113lbs. I knew that Christmas was going to ruin everything, but I still remained happyhappyjoyjoy..ful and didn't even think about what Christmas would do to me.

Well, now I weigh 52,4kg so the gain hasn't been that bad. However, I feel and look fatter than a week ago. 

It's all in my head. It has to be. 

My New Year's resolution: LOSE WEIGHT YOU DUMBASS BITCH. Still 2kgs to go to my 1st goal.

Let's start with the good news. I passed my exam and got a pretty good grade.

I ate yoghurt at the morning. It was way too much because I've used to eat only..a glass of orange juice. Or an apple MAX! Of course I had to ruin my day by going to McDonald's. I pondered between a salad and a happy meal, and of course I took the happy meal, 'cause it's cheaper. Stupid me. Though I'm not going to eat anything else (well maybe something little..) today, so it'll be okay. Besides, I'm not trying to starve myself, I know it doesn't work. At all.

I'm afraid of tomorrow. I have school from 9am to 4pm and I'll be forced to eat some lunch. I don't want to but I have to. And the question is, how am I able to eat sufficiently and NOT TOO MUCH. I always tend to take too much food although I know a) I'm not THAT hungry b) I don't want to eat THAT much. I hate my head for being like this.

The best thing today was, when my classmate asked: "Have you lost weight?"

Of course I said no.

But it felt soooo good. And I really want to believe her.

I've come to realize how my days just are a repetition after another. Maybe it has to do something with my "holiday" (couple of days off school), dunno. I wake up, drink a glass of pineapple/orange juice, go to computer, do some school work/read for exams, watch tv in the evening and go to bed way too late, about 1am. And it all culminates to washing my teeth in the evening, when I think about all the things that I've eaten during the day. And count the calories. I'll happy if the amount stays between 1000-1500kcal, enthralled if less. (Isn't 1500 quite the amount one should get during the day, or maybe more, I'm not sure..)

Well, anyway my intention isn't to lose weight rapidly or starve myself (although I sometimes do), slow weight reduction is the thing I'm aiming for. And ultimately my goalis set for next summer, so I don't have to rush = gain all the weight I've already lost. Maintaining is the word of the day.

Still, I'm very concerned about the upcoming holiday season which includes food, food, food, presents and FOOD. I've used to binge on Christmas time and this year I intend NOT to do it. But how? Smaller portions, yes, I've been using it every day but what else? We are used to eat several times a day on Christmas. And I've accustomed myself to just one time a day. Christmas is going to be hell.

I was extremely happy today when I saw myself in the mirror @ school. I looked quite thin..but not thin enough. I'm still happy to see SOME progress. Although I don't know if it is progress or not, 'cause my lack of scale >: